I understood power and I understood life. I had a breadth of experience behind me having started working since I was 12. The sense of responsibility helped me to form my identity from an early age which gave me a lot of pride and self respect. But after 9 years of abuse, my psyche gave in and split as a method to survive. Sura ceased to exist and I became multiple entities trapped into a body unsure which one was the right me. I couldn’t keep track of how many different people there were inside of me but I know for sure there were at least two different personalities. The trauma and shock I experienced was so disturbing that my brain couldn’t classify it as a normal human experience and instead split it off into different parts so that I could continue surviving. Then it created a whole new personality to interact with the world, one almost resembling a child. As if it was my brain’s way of pretending that nothing bad has ever happened to me. It was so disturbing, I couldn’t accept it. I couldn’t recognize any of myself in these entities and spent a good 2 to 3 years experimenting with the world trying to desperately figure out how to get back to that Sura. The one who was smart, confident, adventurous, kind, self-assured, sporty, hard working. Where was that Sura?
I thought perhaps I just need to get away from my abusers?So I isolated myself in a city where I didn’t know anyone but I was not free.The voices inside my head kept screaming at me. My bullies were no longer around but I was carrying them with me. I couldn’t get away! The world seemed so dark and dangerous, I was not safe. Everyone was out to get me, I was sure of it.
Then I thought going to do an MBA would help me turn my life around, and it did in the professional sense but my personal relationships suffered. Inside my head, there was a horror movie. I couldn’t interact with the world anymore and everything and everyone posed as a danger. I sat in class with everyone, I smiled with everyone but after class I had to run home to be alone. The horror movie inside my head was too powerful, it was stronger than me. I had to give in to it. Perhaps you saw me sitting in class with you but inside my head I was back at the scene of the crime, getting punched, kicked, dragged down the stairs from my hair, whipped with wires, and bleeding all over the bathroom floor. My eyes would well up with tears in the middle of the class andI had nowhere to go so I would look down or pretend something is itchy. Every threat to my safety sent me into a violent rage, emotional flashbacks that were beyond my control. I felt powerless to stop it. Everyone judged me and laughed at me and I let them say whatever they wanted because I did not have the strength to fight. What strength I had I put it into building myself up, faraway from these people who couldn’t understand me.
Hours passed by without me realizing because the movie inside my head was my source of entertainment. Every day I was back the scene of the crime. Every morning I could barely get out of bed, the voices and images greeted me first thing as I woke up. Some days I was stronger than them but many days I came late, because I couldn’t win. They were too strong.
I realized that the social game did not matter to me. The people who truly cared still stood by me and lifted me up. It didn’t matter if people hated me because I know by now that the last thing I need in this life is fake friends. None of it stopped me. The haters didn’t stop me and the PTSD did not stop me. I still had the highest GMAT score, I still learnt French, I still joined student politics and took an active role, and I still discovered myself in Paris. Can any of you say that you are strong enough to do this?
It turns out that my internal system became disintegrated. My feelings and my thoughts were no longer attached together. What I felt in one moment flew over my head as I switched into one of my other personality states. If I felt anger at this person in this moment, 5 minutes later the feeling would be gone because my memories and feelings were no longer attached.I couldn’t tell if my feeling in one moment was the right thing or the next moment, every moment felt like a different person. They were all the right moment and they all belonged to me but my psyche was split and was not able to communicate with each other. People thought I was easy going, but it’s only because I couldn’t remember how I felt about them so I pretended that everything is okay all the time. In truth, I hated some of them for taking advantage of me and when the opportunity presented itself, I took my revenge.I’m not easy going at all, I’m demanding and have high standards. I’m organized, proud, fastidious, and a serious person. I’m a fighter. I stand up for myself, I can be vengeful and I hold grudges. I’m compassionate, curious, and very kind. I wish I could have shown this Sura to them but I was still searching for her.
I was diagnosed with Complex PTSD and dissociation disorder and it all started to make sense. I am not what happened to me and my core is strong enough to overcome it. So I started doing the work of piecing Sura back together. I had to make peace with every different entity of Sura and make them work together and forgive each other. If trauma is not treated, it can become a permanent personality disorder so I consider myself lucky to have had the resources and the knowledge of how to get help.
My system of meaning was destroyed, my personhood gone, and my sense of self completed shattered. I could be anyone and everyone. Then slowly I figured out the way. I just followed the small voice on the inside.Nothing else mattered anymore. Being Arab did not matter, being Muslim did not matter, being a woman did not matter. Everything I knew about the world was erased. My family teachings, my experiences, and all my memories were erased.The only thing that mattered was the small feeling on the inside. If it felt right, I followed it and if it felt wrong, I didn’t. My integrity was tested and it never faltered. Despite everything, I still stayed true to myself. And that’s how I found my way back. Perhaps never back to the Sura I used to be but to a new Sura, who is so whole fully true to me.
