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For many years, I lived life completely on the edge. Blissfully unaware that we are not meant to live life alone.
Years prior, I experienced a psychopathic breakup which I can write about if it really interests you, but for now I will not elaborate further. It was the end of a psychologically abusive and destructive relationship. It was the most messed up thing that ever happened to me. The trauma was so severe, it completely altered my personality. After which, I decided to fully focus on studying for the GMAT. So I studied like a maniac. Day and night. Zipping around different libraries and coffee shops in Calgary, taking official GMAT courses, searching the web and writing every practice exam I could get my hands on.
I took a break from studying. My mind was buzzing and needed a break. I went on a trip to Miami with my friends and it was the first time I attended an electronic music festival. Ultra Miami, a bit too crazy for my taste.
Then I came back to Canada and went off on a trip to Kelowna and Vancouver to attend my friend's wedding and visited my friends there. Two in one. Lauren was the first roommate I ever had in university when I decided to use my scholarship money to rent a fancy apartment on campus as a way to get away from my family :p
Now that the fun was over, I was back to maniac studying mode. I took the GMAT course again. Funnily enough, even though I was an engineer, I performed weaker in the mathematics section of the exam. So this time, I used another strategy. Instead of blindly studying, I tried to crack the GMAT code. I did one practice exam after another and noticed a pattern. In the way the questions were being asked, the frequency certain questions were asked, and the style of topics covered. The second time I wrote the GMAT, I scored 680. This time I was satisfied and closed the books.
Then off I went to Montreal to study French full time because that was always one of my main goals. My intention of going to Montreal was to spend a year healing, learning how to be alone, studying, and figuring it all out. The first day I was there, I went for a walk and sat in a big public plaza. This African guy came and sat next to me. He was shocked when I told him I just came here alone from Calgary and gave me his number, this guy became my guardian angel and I truly don't know what would happened to me in that sin city if he wasn't there with me.
I enrolled in a full time French immersion program at McGill University and they tested my french level and approved me to level 4. There were 5 levels total. I was lacking confidence in my french speaking abilities and my Algerian teacher reassured me "Tu parles Francais tres bien, Sura". Days passed and on to level 5 we advanced. My class was an interesting mix of nationalities all there for different reasons but I did not mix with the group much. Being part of the group felt scary to me. The group might hurt me, reject me, judge me, and turn against me. It's best to stay far away from the group. I spent my time wondering around the city meeting weirdos here and there, but never mixing with my classmates. At the end of the program, one of my classmates called me out. "It doesn't seem like you want to be friends with any of us". I didn't really understand what he meant and brushed off the comment.
Then off to the MBA I went.
I rented a small apartment close to my campus on Boulevard Richard Lenoir and negotiated a good deal with the landlady to lower the price by 25% to which she agreed. I had a very nice relationship with her. I always paid on time. The pattern repeated itself with my MBA classmates. I stayed far away from the group and avoided them at all cost. I was afraid of the group. The group could hurt me, judge me, reject me, and turn against me. It's best to stay away from the group. I spent my time wandering around the city of Paris meeting weirdos here and there and discovering all the city had to offer. One of my MBA colleagues called me out on the behaviour. "You seem really distant from us". I didn't know what he meant by that and brushed off the comment.
Then I secured an internship at the largest bank in Paris working in their head office in La Defense business area. It was a very prestigious opportunity by French standards and I did my best while I was there but the pattern repeated. I sat alone, barely spoke to anyone, and ran home as fast as possible. I didn't want to be a part of the group. The group is scary. The group could hurt me, judge me, reject me, and turn against me. Eventually, my manager called me out on the behaviour. He told me "Sura, you are always a cote, you don't talk to anyone...you can talk to me you know if you need any help with your apartment...or anything". But I never talked to him or anyone. I just kept to myself and while they were impressed with what my mind can produce, eventually they let me go. They didn't extend my work contract.
Then off to Dubai I went and I secured a very good job with a large multinational company. I had a high level position and it required much politics and I am really not one for that but I did my best. Eventually, my boss called me out on the behaviour again. He told me "you didn't even talk to people". I guess for him it was just an observation but for me it was a deep rooted fear of being part of a group. The group was scary. The group could hurt me, reject me, judge me, and turn against me. So I kept a measurable distance. And eventually, I got fired.
Then one day I stumbled into the meeting place with The Man with the Huge Chest and Brown Hair. It was the first time in 14 years that I felt safe. He was the only person in my journey who was kind to me and understanding with my situation. I finally felt accepted and it became my safe haven but nothing changed. I sat alone, I didn't talk to anyone, and ran home as fast as I could. I was afraid of the group. The group could hurt me, reject me, judge me, and turn against me. I knew people there talked about me. They thought it was strange that I was behaving this way.
"This is not normal for a girl who's that good looking"
"She doesn't talk to anyone, she just keeps to herself"
"Something must have happened to her"
It was the first time a group tried to pull me in instead of pushing me out. Perhaps I found my new group? They were kind, classy, and smart people.
I was so terrified of anyone coming close to me from the group out of fear that they will tell the rest of the group about me. I was worried they will find out who I am. A dirty, disgusting, trashy human being. Or at least what my family brained washed me into thinking about myself. I studied at prestigious institutions and worked at prestigious companies, fit for me but I did not realize that it was who I am. Instead, I would seek out relationship with seriously weird people because I thought they were similar to me but they were not like me at all, and many of them did very bad things to me. I was hanging out with people who were too different from me and I spent the past 5 years living life on the edge of society, too afraid to be a part of any group.
That's when I realized I had developed symptoms of Avoidant Personality Disorder.
While I previously sought out professional treatment for Complex PTSD and dissociation, my avoidant personality disorder went undetected.
Since my family ganged up on me and rejected me from the group, I became a lone wolf. I had no group to protect me or define me anymore. I went into the world all on my own and all I encountered were real wolves and bad people but I needed them for survival. People who took complete advantage of me because they knew I was alone.
Avoidant Personality Disorder shares many similarities with Schizoid Personality Disorder and characterized as having very low sense of self-worth, intense fear of rejection, social inhibition, and isolation. The most distinct difference between the two is that schizoid don't have a desire to be close to others while the avoidant desperately seeks connection but isn't able to form healthy relationships with others. tI spent many years living life on the edge of society desperately seeking connection and acceptance but was too afraid to seek them out because my fear of rejection was greater. I spent many birthdays sitting at home alone eating a birthday cake and celebrating with just me, myself, and I.It was became normal to me. Traveling from country to country and city to city became normal to me. I was detached and living life completely alone.
I used to be the most popular girl in university, famous in fact. I had many friends, boyfriends, frenemies, enemies, and everything else in between. I always moved in a pack. I always had an entourage. Now things have changed. While I still have friends and connections, I am more detached and I move alone. I am not afraid to travel alone, eat alone, live alone, work alone, and just be alone in general. In fact, I like it. It has enriched my mind and creativity and ability for self expression. So we can look at it as a negative experience but I will always cherish it as part of my journey of becoming. Making me the Sura I never thought I could ever be.
I am no longer afraid of the group but I am proudly not a part of it.
#PersonalEssay #LifeOnTheEdge #TheLoneWolf #FearOfRejection #FindingBelonging #LivingAlone #Solitude #SelfDiscovery #HealingJourney #TraumaRecovery #Identity #PersonalGrowth #EmotionalIndependence #TheJourneyOfBecoming #Sura
