The first time I arrived in Montreal was in 2012. I came all the way from Calgary to Montreal to see the legendary Iraqi singer, Kadhem El Saher, play a live concert. I was very excited to see him as he was somewhat a reminder of my early days in Iraq and i had been disconnected from Iraq for a long time. The concert was fun but I always feel a little distant from Iraqi people...I never felt that I was quite like them. However, this first experience in the city left an impression on me. Summer in Montreal is absolute magic. The energy is undeniable! This city was young, had endless opportunities for fun, and definitely a vibe. I loved my experience in Montreal and vowed to come back.
This time it was 2014 and I was at the airport in Rome having just concluded my first solo trip backpacking across Europe and I was trying to book a last minute ticket to go to Montreal, where a French immersion program experience was waiting for me. I seriously contemplated skipping this immersion program but oh man, I am so glad I didn't. I was running at the airport from counter to counter like a mad woman with only 5 mins until the booking window closed. After that, I ran for dear life to the gate. I was drenched in sweat when I arrived. I felt sorry in advance for whoever was going to be sitting beside me but who cares, I made it!
I hopped in a taxi and headed to the campus of Universite de Montreal where the program was taking place which provided us with full boarding. As soon as I arrived, I realized that I must have dropped my wallet at the airport somewhere so I ran inside to ask for help. Luckily, I ran into a girl from my rugby team in Calgary who lent me some money to pay the driver. Phew!
This program was beyond amazing, I don't have the words to describe it. I felt so free and happy for the first time in a long time and what helped the most was meeting an amazing group of people who became my crew. We were always lounging around, going out, and being crazy together. I was the most adventurous and independent of the group. Always roaming around the city going to discover different neighbourhoods and festivals while the others were lazying around. I also took my French studies seriously. I genuinely wanted to learn French while many of the others took the program just for the fun of it.
Fast forward to 2017, this time I arrived to Montreal like a crazy person. I took a one way ticket from Calgary to Montreal with no plan and no contacts. I don't know what made me do it but let's just say that I was not in a good state of mind at that time. I was acting like a mad woman. This was to become the darkest chapter of my life. I was alone, lost, and confused. I was aimless and quite obviously extremely damaged from the trauma I experienced. This is one of those experiences where I could have made a different choice. Going to spend that year in Montreal was not the right choice, I can admit that but I cannot go back and change it. Looking back, I can see that I wasn't really choosing Montreal. I was running from myself, and I simply happened to run there.
I felt anger, shame, pain, hopelessness, and deep sadness but there was no place to escape to. I had to sit there in my small studio apartment in Le Plateau and face my demons. I allowed myself to feel all of it. The sadness and the loneliness and eventually, it taught me how to be alone. How to sit with myself and how to manage myself.
Apart from enrolling in a full time French immersion program, that year was horrifying for me. I was completely lost and met many extremely weird people and because I had developed Avoidant Personality Disorder without realizing it, I had many difficulties establishing healthy relationships with others. Many friends in other places encouraged me to come to them but my fear of being seen and judged kept me hiding alone in Montreal. It was a challenging year to say the least but I made it through until the end when I decided to chop off my hair and go do my MBA in Paris.
I went on a grand adventure hopping around the world to Paris then London then back to Paris then New York before I hopped on a bus and took refuge in Montreal again as the corona virus broke out. It was scary at the beginning. It felt scary to back to Montreal this time as I experienced it as such a dark place the last time. I stayed at my friend's apartment for a couple of weeks which helped me feel safe and get settled in but everything seemed uncertain around the world. I left her apartment and hopped from apartment to apartment before finding a good place and settling in. This time coming to Montreal was about healing. I knew something with my mental health must be off so I actively pursued treatment and I got diagnosed with Complex PTSD. Now it made sense. All the suffering I was experiencing for the past couple of years while I was touring the world was now coming to an end. I felt lighter, happier, and more safe. Montreal stopped being scary and started being fun again.
A love letter to Montreal is to express my gratitude to the city that gave me so many different experiences. Montreal has seen many versions of me. The excited girl arriving for a concert. The adventurous girl running through the city with her new crew. The lost girl who didn't know where she belonged. And finally, the woman who found her way back to herself.
My view of Montreal changed with every phase of my life, but somehow the city always remained familiar. It became my adopted home — a place where I felt safe, a place that held some of my happiest memories and some of my darkest ones.
Maybe that's why I love it so much. Montreal didn't just give me places to see and people to meet. It gave me somewhere to become different versions of myself.
And I wouldn't change any of it.”
#Montreal #TravelWriting #PersonalEssay #LifeInChapters #PlacesThatShapeUs #MemoryAndPlace #IdentityAndBelonging #SoloTravel #Nostalgia #Becoming #Canada #MontrealMemories
